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  • Writer's pictureLaura McBride

Four fruits and veggies to never eat

I just saw an online ad about the four fruits & veggies to never eat. My first question is this: do they mean four fruits and four veggies? Two of each? One of one and three of the other?

Once the grammatical confusion has been dealt with (If it ever is), then one must consider what four things--fruits and veggies--one should, in fact, never eat.

I'm sure the people who created the advertisement have some dietary basis for their claims, whatever they are. But I have a list of fruits and veggies never to eat, too, and my reasoning does not depend on a bunch of medical mumbo jumbo as I imagine theirs does. My reasoning is based on common sense.

For instance, why would anyone ever eat a pear purchased in a modern supermarket? You might as well draw a pear on a piece of cardboard, soak the cardboard in water for a couple of minutes, and eat that. Last time I checked, humans couldn't digest cellulose, as cows can. So why bother to eat fruit made of cardboard?

The second fruit not to eat would be bananas. If you eat them green, they pucker your mouth and make your stomach hurt. But if they are over-ripe, they smell like the model airplane paint we used to call dope. Seems to me you'd be a dope to eat something that smelled like that. Which means there is possibly a two-hour window of opportunity when a banana is exactly ripe in which to eat it. And then you have the problem of holding it like a stroked penis and biting off the end down to the nub, or poshly cutting it with a knife and fork and eating it like a Rockefeller in full sail. Nay, bananas are not worth it.

Since I am fair-minded, I shall offer two vegetables not to eat, thus creating fruit and vegetable parity, something highly to be sought in an age of political correctness. It's a digression, but I must tell you about the Potty Parity law in Virginia. It states that a public building must provide exactly the same number of toilets for men and women. On the face of it, that's ludicrous. Men don't have pantyhose to deal with, making their toilet breaks much quicker than women's. Hence the bevies of women with pained looks on their faces trying not to cross their legs while standing in hallways waiting for toilets to be available.

So...back to veg. The first of the two chosen vegetables to avoid is very obviously corn. Or as it is called in the UK, sweetcorn (as opposed, I guess, to sour corn.) Anyway, the first homeopathic doctor I consulted 35 years ago said never to eat it. He didn't say why. Later, I learned that it was a cow thing again; humans cannot digest corn kernels and that puts stress on the intestines which might lead to very bad things, like bowel cancer. Enough said. No corn.

The second forbidden vegetable has got to be eggplant. The exterior is shiny and as thick as a teabagger's skull, while the interior is sort of beige and spongy, just like a teabagger's brain. If one is what one eats, then for god's sake, don't eat eggplant.

I admit, I do sometimes eat corn. I even eat the very rare serving of eggplant. But when I do, I make sure to take extra vitamins. Especially after a taste of eggplant, I look up old articles about Sarah Palin to check on whether my brain has begun to turn to mush yet. And then I take still more vitamins. And eat some high Omega-3 fish. And do a little dance around a bust of Albert Einstein; must do something after eating Sarah Palin's brain to fend of dementia.

So far, so good.

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